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Bleach
and dryer sheets.
People coughing and wet
blank
eyes.
Whiteness everywhere and an uncomfortable, almost mildewy, thick air,
not fresh
anyway.
I feel like I dont belong, and then im outside,
pushed toward another building
and its too bright.

Inside,
this time its quiet and
"Inviting!"
There are chairs
and a dark carpet.
The kind that hides stains really well,
dark blue and brown and black and tan and coffee and blood.
And a white noise machine and a radio and sullen children in a corner playing with leggos.
and a febreez bottle sitting in the receptionists' window next to the flowers.

So, Leah, how are you doing today?
My shrink pushes her glasses up onto her skinny face.
Fine. Shitty.
I watch the square of sunlight on the carpet.
It has no color.
No yellow or gold or orange or red. Its overcast and foggy and this ray has pushed through heroically but failed to bring the warmth and joy that was its true mission.
The clouds filter out warmth and joy.
I wrap my arms tightly around myself and cross my legs.

After an hour, Im back in the car.
My dad avoids looking at me.
My bandaged arms are pressed close to my body and sting.
I think at that moment,
God, Im such a loser.

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isolation. or, how i survived suicide. or, how i didnt want to die.

from my days in the intensive outpatient program at kaiser when i was a teenager.

inspired by #quill-cafe

one of the writing promps for today: hospital.

feels good to get this out.

i decided to start writing again (its been a while), so bear with me while I get my bearings...

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January 16, 2010
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:icontwistedharbinger:
Mmm. Thanks for sharing with us. I'm glad this part of your life is over, you've come so far, i'd wager. Excellent contemplative piece.
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